And What Do You Do?

The time-worn debate about whether to work or stay at home is a minefield. For various reasons, people can be very prickly about the subject. It’s an emotional topic, and feelings of guilt, defensiveness, and stress make it tricky to discuss, even on the most superficial level. Based on the reactions that I get from other women, I haven’t found the best way to politely inquire about new acquaintance’s situations.

I know better than to take my first-grade teacher’s approach. I ran into her a few years ago and she asked me was I “staying at home, or was I using my education?” To be fair, I still harbor a grudge from when the mean old shrew made me cry on my seventh birthday – picture a little freckly girl weeping at her desk wearing her paper birthday girl crown – but I didn’t appreciate her tone.

Well-meaning people ask “so are you working now, or staying home?” This is often followed by a self-conscious pause, and then a quick addendum: “I mean, staying at home is the hardest job in the world! I don’t know how you do it!” It’s a nice thing to say, though the implication is sometimes “I can’t fathom why the hell you would want to do it!”

In general, I’m not that sensitive about this, but I have my moments. I fumed when I overheard my husband telling a former colleague that I stay at home and work “very, very part time.” I informed him later that he could drop at least one of the “verys,” thank you very much.

So what’s the best way to ask? We are Americans, after all. Our culture places a strong link between what we do and who we are. In most mingling situations it’s one of the first three questions we ask: What’s your name? Where do you live? What do you do?

I don’t mean to overthink this (obviously, I’m failing miserably here), but I have two requests.

First, try to ask the question in a way that values all possible responses. For example, “So are you working or sitting around eating bonbons” would be a bad choice. A better choice would be “So are you working outside the home or are you home during the day.” To me, the old standard, “So what do you do” is also just fine.

My other request is that we, who are asked this question, get over it. It’s not that deep, and carrying a chip on our shoulder isn’t helping anything.

My teacher was a bitch (just because she’s an eighty-year old widow woman who volunteers at the hospital doesn’t fool me!) before she opened her mouth that day. My loving husband didn’t mean to devalue my contributions with his “very very” comment.

It’s how I feel that is important. “What I do” is kick ass on a daily basis, and I’ll be happy to tell you about it, however you pose the question.

Staying Home: It’s Not Like You Remember

Our parenting decisions are influenced by the memory of our own childhoods.

Were your parents strict or easygoing? Were they divorced, widowed, or married? What was your financial situation? Did your mother work or stay home? All of these factors are powerful influences on our own parenting choices. As conscientious parents we can observe our peer parents, we can read parenting books, we can record and watch countless hours of Supernanny, but our own experiences as a child are probably the single biggest factor in our own parenting approach.

This is certainly true in the decision about whether to be a working mother, a stay-at-home mother, or something in-between. Maybe you want to be a stay-at-home parent because you felt neglected by your mother, the absent yuppie overachiever. Or maybe you want to emulate your stay-at-home mother who served a gourmet meal every night and was always available for a long talk or a game of checkers.

My own mother worked part-time as a nurse. She usually worked long weekends, when my father was available to be with us. As a result, my childhood hours in daycare were few and far-between. Most of my friends’ mothers did not work at all, and this was the norm at the time, as reflected in cultural touchstones such as The Brady Bunch, Happy Days, and Little House On The Prairie (granted, this was set in the 1800s, but it resonated with me; my mother dressed me in long dresses and braids, so cut me some slack!).

My childhood memories are of hours-long stretches of unsupervised playtime. Every morning we would get dressed and head directly over to our friends’ houses to knock on the door. “Can Becky/David/Matt/Denise come out and play?” Playtime was usually only interrupted by my mother hollering out the front door that lunch or dinner was ready. Mom’s days were busy with four kids to manage, but she also had plenty of friends nearby for playdates and chats.

I didn’t quit my job in pursuit of this image, but it was certainly in the back of my head. I sensed that I was missing out on a thriving, bustling stay-at-home mom world filled with shiny, happy children and well-rested parents. Imagine my surprise when I found out that it isn’t small-town 1979 out there anymore!

On any given weekday in my neighborhood, you’re more likely to hear crickets chirping than children laughing. Most of my neighbors are at work during the day and their kids are at daycare. I had to work to form a community and network of friends for myself and for my kids, because it literally was not going to appear in my backyard.

I have had to make a conscious effort to find playmates for my kids. For one thing, many “stay-at-home” kids (like mine) are at preschool for part of the week, so schedules can be tricky to coordinate. Finding kids whose ages are compatible with my own has been another obstacle This lack of nearby, age-appropriate kids means more driving and more planning. It’s rarely a matter of knocking on the neighbor’s door anymore. It’s piling into the minivan and heading to the park or the playdate.

Playdate coordination sometimes feels more like “dating” than “playing.” There’s carefully orchestrated playdate dance that takes some getting used to.

You meet someone, and if there’s playdate chemistry you may exchange phone numbers or email addresses. You start off with something safe like meeting at a park. If all goes well at the park and the kids and moms are compatible, you’ll proceed to playing at someone’s house. Regularly-scheduled playdates are akin to a serious relationship; it’s a big step, and although they aren’t necessarily monogamous, and it’s awkward to speak about your other partners.

Adult friends aren’t going to fall into your laps either. After working for five, ten, or fifteen years, most of your friends probably work during the day. I found that my strong friendships survived my transition, but I really missed seeing work friends and acquaintances whom I ran into day to day at work. Even my strong friendships required special attention, since I had to schedule specific times to meet, instead of passing by their desks on the way to the mailroom.

As the months passed I met more people who are home during the day, and I’ve developed some wonderful new friendships. I’ve joined playgroups and book clubs and met people at the park.

It’s taken time and effort, but my kids and I now have a social network and schedule that we love (yes, we’re even “going steady” with a few playdate partners!) It’s not necessarily better than the one we had when I worked nine-to-five, but it’s great. It’s not exactly like the rose-colored one in my head, but I’m satisfied that it’s a good fit for us.

What To Expect When You’re Defecting: Deciding Whether to “Opt Out”

I recently had lunch with someone who is thinking about leaving her job.  She’s an accomplished professional and the main breadwinner for her family, so this is a major decision.  I was in her seat two years ago when I decided to leave AOL.  Between my own experience and what I’ve observed and discussed with my friends, I’ve put a lot of thought into this topic, so I’m inspired to start a blog series about it.   

Read on and please share your own advice and experience in the comments.

What The Hell Is Lucky Magazine…And Why Is It In My Mailbox?!!

I love a good magazine!  My family and I subscribe to a few:  Vanity Fair, Newsweek, National Geographic, Washingtonian, Real Simple, Nick Jr. (yikes; I guess that’s several.)  I’m not above sneaking a peek at of the National Enquirer in the checkout line, and I consider People magazine to be requirement for any reputable doctor’s office.  

My appreciation for magazines does not explain why I receive Lucky magazine on a regular basis.  Under no circumstances would I subscribe to a magazine that bills itself as “the magazine about shopping.”  I’m a ponytail and crocs kind of gal.  I have my days when I aspire to cuteness, but in general I am no fashion plate.  I must be fifteen years, three kids, and a minivan outside of Lucky’s target demographic.   

I thought that I might have accidentally subscribed to Lucky as part of a free offer, but then my sister started complaining that she, too, was getting Lucky every month (in the periodical sense.)  I now believe we are receiving them as part of a pervasive, forest-destroying, misguided marketing campaign; think AOL CD’s for the 2000s.  

Lucky is a Conde Nast magazine.  These are the folks who publish Wired, Vogue, Glamour, and Vanity Fair, among other magazines.  They should know better.  Maybe they do; Lucky seems to be a financial success.  There are obviously enough disposable income-endowed young shoppers out there to make up for our wasted issues.

Egg- and Dairy-Free Cakes: Whole Foods and Chantel’s

I was at a birthday party recently where they served egg- and dairy-free chocolate cake from Whole Foods.  It was pretty good, although not any better than the box cakes that I’ve made with dairy and egg substitutions (if I do say so myself!). 

The Whole Foods cake was nicely decorated, and the kids there all loved it.  If you’re looking for convenience (besides the whole schlepping to Reston thing), this may be a good option for you.

Whole Foods’ cakes are available in yellow and chocolate.  Six-inch cakes are $14.99 and Nine-inch cakes are $24.99.  They ask for twenty-four hours notice when ordering.

Chantel’s Bakery in Sterling makes an excellent egg-free cake, but it doesn’t come cheap.  An eight-inch cake costs $43.95.  Perhaps little Johnny would rather have a cake than that new bike…

Here’s an article about Chantel’s bakery from the Observer.  According to this article, Chantel’s can bake cakes without soy, gluten, dairy as well.   Contact Chantel’s at 703-709-1487. 

Facials: Great Expectations and an Endorsement

I’ve never been a huge fan of facials:  I find it hard to sit still that long and they often don’t have long-lasting effects that justify their cost.  I didn’t have one until I was twenty-seven, and I only had one then because my sister-in-law, Anne, is such a facial advocate.  Actually, that’s an understatement.  Anne is a militant foot soldier in the holy war against dirty pores.   

Anne believes that facials are necessary and to be prized, but be warned:  to Anne, a facial should be first and foremost about deep pore cleansing.  This means extractions, and they aren’t fun.  To Anne, if your facial is all about relaxation and feeling good, you’re wasting your time.

Here is a small fraction of a facial manifesto that Anne emailed me a few years ago.  It’s informative and classic Anne:  the woman knows facials, plus there’s a happy dash of fanaticism sprinkled throughout. 

“… The key for me is how much time she spends on extractions.  In 1.5 hour, my facialist spends almost an hour on extractions, but I have a high threshold for this type of pain.  Extractions should take at least 1/3 of the time, otherwise the facialist isn’t earning her pay.  That’s the hard work, the massage stuff is icing – high value to you and high margins for her, but don’t be fooled – good facials shouldn’t be a relaxing experience– getting clean hurts, baby!

When you call, insist on interviewing the facialist.  Ask her how much time she spends on extractions.  She’ll tell you it’s totally variable, but you’ve got to get a number!  You might say something like, “Well, for someone with normal skin who gets a facial about three times a year, how much time would you estimate spending on extractions?”  It’s a red flag if she says less than 20 minutes.  Again, high value, high margins, but no clean skin…”

Obviously, facials are not to be taken lightly in our family.   The downside to knowing what to expect from a great facial is that I am almost always disappointed.  I only go once or twice a year; I never really feel like my skin looks that much better afterwards so I just go in for an annual clean and shine.  I’ve never met anyone who comes close to Anne’s super-high standards. 

I am thus very happy to report that I received a quite good facial from Amirah Amiri at Amenity Day Spa in Ashburn.  When I told her that I wanted to get a really deep cleaning with a lot of time spent on extractions, she was happy to comply.   

Communication was the key here.  Aestheticians have two big disincentives against deep cleaning:  first, it isn’t fun, and they want their clients to come back, and second, it’s hard work.   

Amirah did just as I asked, and my skin was noticeably improved afterwards.  She earns an endorsement from me, and I think she might even be good enough for a nod from Anne.  Contact her at 703-726-8100. 

Anyone else got a facialist that they would recommend?  Please share!