Breastfeeding Tips and Tricks

With three kids under four years old, I am now well into my third (non-consecutive) year of breastfeeding.  I don’t profess to be an expert, but there are a few things that I’ve learned. 

• Here’s something I mention so you’ll know what to expect, and that it will pass:  Breastfeeding feels fine for the first day or so, and then it hurts like hell during latch-on for two or three weeks.  It’s not just a “little pinch” or “uncomfortable” type of pain.  This is fifteen seconds of “getting your hand slammed in a door” kind of pain.  Except that it’s your breast.  And it hurts worse.  After fifteen seconds or so, though, it feels ok, and after two weeks your skin toughens and the whole process is pain free.  You should then be able to enjoy the bonding time with your baby instead of cursing his name for causing your nipples to feel like they are on fire.  

• After trying out every brand out there, I can safely say that Medela disposable breast pads (http://www.medela.com/NewFiles/breastcare.html#lacepads) are far and away the best.  When milk gets on them they form a gel-like substance within the pad rather than just getting wet.  This way they are more comfortable and the milk doesn’t soak through or run off and leak.  Also, they are thin and flexible to start out with, so they are not obvious under thin clothes.  They cost more, but they are absolutely worth it. 

• Get a comfortable cotton sleeping bra, like the Arabella Sleep Bra at www.amazon.com.  Sleeping in a regular nursing bra is uncomfortable after a night or two.  Make sure it’s cotton – I tried a microfiber one and found that it gets so stiff when milk gets on it and dries that it can stand up by itself. 

• Get a good nursing pillow and use it, at least at the beginning.  I learned my lesson with my third baby.  I was just using pillows and not sitting up straight, and after a few weeks I developed excruciating headaches.  My doctor informed me that I had a muscle tension headache (not the brain tumor I convinced myself I had) that was caused by hunching over. 

 I have a “My Brest Friend” (http://www.mybrestfriend.com/) pillow, which is great.  It has a washable cover and has held up great after three kids.  It’s flat on top so the baby doesn’t roll into you too much and it has a strap so you can walk around with it to grab a pacifier, change a diaper, etc.  The Velcro strap is loud enough to wake your baby when you pull it off, though, so I just make sure not to tie it too tight and just shimmy out of it when I’m done. 

• Get a hands-free pumping kit (http://www.medela.com/NEWFILES/seambraspant.html#pumpingfree) if you need to pump, even if you’re at home.  You may not think you need one, but once you won’t go back.  It’s nice to have an extra fifteen minutes of productivity.

• The Medela Micro-Steam sterilizer bags (http://www.medela.com/NewFiles/cleaningproducts.html) are a Godsend.  You rinse your bottles, pacifiers, or pumping equipment and put it in the microwave for a minute and a half (three minutes with an older microwave, depending on wattage.)  Once they’re microwaved, they are sterilized.  I really liked this for my pumping equipment.  I brought these to work and would use them right after pumping.  That way I could use the same pumping equipment later in the day without making a big scene at the sink.

• Get a washable hands-free Nursing Cover, like you’ll find at www.polkadotwhale.com.  This is very handy when nursing in public.  No matter how well you schedule your outings or visitors, your baby will let you know at some point that it’s time to eat NOW, in public.  A hands-free cover is a lot more convenient than a blanket.

• If you’re planning to nurse at night you’ll want to have a nursing nightgown or wear a top and bottom pajama combo, rather than a nightgown.  This will be obvious the first time you try to hoist up a long nightgown while your baby is wailing, but I’m mentioning it so you can get one before you go to the hospital.  Also, don’t bother bringing pajamas to the hospital.  You won’t want that mess and nastiness on your clothes – stick to the ugly hospital gowns!

 Giving some of these things as shower or hospital gifts for a mom intending to breastfeed is a great idea.  Most new moms don’t know that they’ll need some of these things.  I didn’t realize I’d need a sleeping bra, for example, and was really happy to get one as a gift in the hospital. Anyway, hope this is helpful advice from the trenches! Good luck!   

Watching Them Come and Go In DC

     Three of the four houses across the street from ours are for sale.  We live in a development that was built in 2004, so in less than three years these families have decided to move on to greener pastures. 

     When I moved to the DC area twelve years ago it seemed that most of the people I met were like me – transplants from somewhere else.  We were all lured here by what Washington has a lot to offer:  government jobs, excellent universities, high-tech industry, a good climate and beautiful sights to see. But while I came here to stay, it’s become clear over time that many people think of DC as a stepping stone to somewhere else, rather than a final destination.   

     I grew up in a town of 40,000 with one major employer.  That’s too big a town to have everyone know your name, but if you didn’t know someone yourself, you could count on some secondary connection; her dad coached your brother in little league or his wife cuts your hair.   That closeness and familiarity is nice, but over time you can form community wherever you are, even in a big place like DC.  What you can’t control and what I am starting to sorely miss is the stability that my hometown provided.   

     In part, this instability is created by the times that we live in.  People don’t work at the same company for forty years nowadays.  There are very few pensions and gold watches handed out anymore.  Instead, we are encouraged to keep our networks strong and our resumes updated so that we can jump ship as soon as a better opportunity arises.   

     Still, DC seems particularly transient.  Political elections cause major job turnovers.  High tech companies have regular layoffs and start-ups are notoriously unstable.  No one over the age of thirty can afford to work on an NGO salary.  People get tired of the sprawl and traffic and sweaty tourist-laden metro cars, especially if you have a child or two in tow.   

     This coming and going breeds a new expectation about friendship.  When I was in first grade I could be pretty sure that most of my classmates would be at my high school graduation.  I’ve known my best friend since I was a preschooler.  It makes me sad that my kids probably won’t enjoy that same stability.   

     On the bright side, we do benefit from knowing so many more people as they come in and out of our lives.  Different kinds of people with greatly varied life experiences that enriches our own.  Shades of the old quality versus quality tradeoff, I suppose.  And email, cell phones, VOIP, and blogs mean that you don’t need to live down the street nowadays to keep in touch.  It might mean more work to maintain friendships, but those are important muscles to keep in shape, and it’s worth the effort. 

     We love living here, and we still think of DC as our destination, not a layover.  Still, I miss our friends that were just passing through.

Validation For A Stay-At-Home Mom

     I had a big fight with my husband last night because he improperly punctuated a sentence.  Seriously, hand-to-God, I got completely irate because he chose to leave out a grammatically-required period and comma in a work email even after I informed him of his mistake.  This turned into a rant about how he never listens to me or values my input. 

     Obviously I wasn’t really (just) mad about his assault on the English language.  The thing is, I used to be the director of communication and training at a large company.  As part of my job I reviewed and edited people’s emails, so I have some street cred in this area.  After quitting my job a year ago, however, I’m now the director of raising three children under the age of four.  I still work part-time, but my main accomplishments over the past year have been at home. 

     Don’t get me wrong – I love my kids and I’m thrilled that I get to spend this time with them.  My kids are a lot of work but they’re also funny and smart and sweet.  I know that my time out of the work force is a privilege that not everyone gets to enjoy.  What I’ve tripped over for the past few weeks is where to find validation.   

     I’m not getting quarterly reviews anymore.  I’m not hearing “atta-girls” from my boss or being congratulated for my high quality deliverables.  No one nods approvingly at me across a conference room table.  To the naked eye, the feedback I do receive isn’t very positive.  I spend most of my time and energy on my kids and my house, yet the house is still somehow always a mess and the kids think that Mommy is a workhorse while Daddy is a rock star. In addition I’m off my game physically since I’m carrying around twenty pounds of extra baby weight. 

     In the absence of the old formal feedback mechanisms, somewhere along the way I started to look to my husband as my main source of validation.  I want him to remember – and to remind me – that I’ve still got my professional skills and that I’m a great mom, but that’s neither fair nor feasible.  He’s not going to single-handedly fill up my need for recognition by praising my current accomplishments (“WOW, Honey, that’s an AMAZINGLY clean counter!” or “You only used one wipe to change that diaper? You’re UNBELIEVABLE!”), and he shouldn’t have to try. 

     I miss flexing my old professional muscles.  I spent over a decade learning a profession that I became good at and that gave me a lot of satisfaction. I liked managing people who didn’t pee pee on the floor and having the authority to make things happen without threatening a time out.  I miss the adult conversation and camaraderie of the workplace. 

     Digging deeper I realize that part of what I’m struggling with is not a petty need to have my ego stroked, but rather to have my choices validated and to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile.  If I am truly not feeling fulfilled, I need to make some new choices.  Once I find myself on the right track – and I may be there now – it’s ok for some of my skills lie fallow for a few years in order to meet my larger goals.  My validation will then come from the short- and long-term accomplishments of my chosen path.  I’ll find satisfaction in meeting my goals, rather than in someone else’s opinion. 

     Odds are good that my current existential crisis is at least partially due to my impending birthday, which ends in “five” and means I’m halfway through what is supposed to be a very productive decade.  As by birthday nears and I take stock of my accomplishments over the past year and my life so far, I’m proud and happy, but a little gut checking and course correction never hurt anyone. 

     For now, I’m going to work on cutting my husband some slack.  He’ll still need to appreciate what I do and who I am, but I’ll stop putting all my validation eggs in his basket.  At minimum he’ll be free to spell and punctuate as he pleases.